(Hypothetical) Secret Emails From the Set of Beyonce’s Ego

Did you sense a lack of booty-shaking in the online video world recently? Well, Beyonce Knowles is here to solve all our problems — the newest single off her third album, I Am… Sasha Fierce, debuted yesterday on YouTube and her official site. Presented by AT&T, Ego is much in the tradition of the viral smash Single Ladies, a three-girl dance number shot in stark black-and-white, and is the second video Knowles has personally directed (the first being the 2007 video Flaws and All).

Even with the assistance of a co-director like longtime Beyonce associate Frank Gaston Jr. and new choreographer Sheryl Murakami, directing is hard work that requires a lot of communication. So if, hypothetically, Knowles used a BlackBerry on the day of shooting Ego, and if, hypothetically, it had been lost, and if, hypothetically, I had found it on the street while walking to Subway for a tuna sub, these might have been the emails I found on it.

To: Frank.Gaston@Beyonce.com
From: Sasha-F@Beyonce.com
Subject: RE: Big day! You ready?

C’mon. I show up, we point the camera at me, I dance, the other girls dance behind me. It’s not like I have to pretend I’m a cop or anything.

‘Course, we’re still figuring out what I’m wearing WHEN I dance…

To: Sasha-F@Beyonce.com
From: Wardrobe Dept.
Subject: Considering our glove options…

We know you’re fond of the titanium handpiece, but in case you wanted to switch it up a little, K. found a lovely sequined pair at this vintage shop in Koreatown. We gotta make sure this’ll pop on a YouTube screen, after all. Since that’s the only place anyone will watch this.

To: Wardrobe Dept.
From: Sasha-F@Beyonce.com
Subject: RE: Considering our glove options…

Don’t know if I’m feeling sequins for this. If you just want us to get our shimmer on, we could wear those gold lame leotards instead of the black ones. But make the other girls wear like culottes or something? This time, only Sasha Fierce shows her legs.

To: sheryl@sherylmurakami.com
From: Sasha-F@Beyonce.com
Subject: Choreography, Fierce-style

Hey, girl! So you rocked the last tour, but just a reminder: we gotta work at least three stripper squats in or it just won’t be Truly Fierce. Can’t have that!

To: crew-list@Beyonce.com
From: Sasha-F@Beyonce.com
CC: Frank.Gaston@Beyonce.com
Subject: Wind machine

Just got to set — and I don’t see that big-a– fan I asked for. The hell? Fix this ASAP, please. I didn’t put the big hair on for nothing, after all.

To: Frank.Gaston@Beyonce.com
From: Sasha-F@Beyonce.com
Subject: Directing is fun!

I think next I’m just gonna sit in my shiny chair and boogie around in it. Cool by you?

To: Sasha-F@Beyonce.com
From: Frank.Gaston@Beyonce.com
Subject: RE: Directing is fun!

Sounds good to me. That’s what the nerds on the Internet do when they watch you, after all.

To: Frank.Gaston@Beyonce.com
From: Sasha-F@Beyonce.com
Subject: RE: Directing is fun!

So I’m not sure about the part where I rub my nipples — I know you say it’s hot, but is it sexy-hot or slutty-hot?

To: Sasha-F@Beyonce.com
From: Frank.Gaston@Beyonce.com
Subject: RE: Directing is fun!

It’s Sasha Fierce, baby. Sasha Fierce can rub whatever she wants. Oh hey, you thank the dancers yet? You gotta thank the dancers. It’s not like anyone can do what they can do.

To: dancer1@Beyonce.com, dancer2@Beyonce.com
From: Sasha-F@Beyonce.com
CC: Frank.Gaston@Beyonce.com
Subject: You girls KILLED IT!

Thanks again. And sorry about the culottes, btw. Don’t know what wardrobe was thinking.

To: Sasha-F@Beyonce.com
From: Frank.Gaston@Beyonce.com
Subject: YouTube-in’

So should we make this one something the kids on YouTube can embed? ‘Cause otherwise we gotta make sure to take down all the bootlegs that’ll pop up…

To: Sasha-F@Beyonce.com
From: Frank.Gaston@Beyonce.com
Subject: RE: YouTube-in’

Boy, you check my views recently? Single Ladies — 55 million. If I Were A Boy — 45 million. Sasha Fierce doesn’t need to let people embed. People will come to Sasha Fierce.

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