Microsoft announces hostile takeover bid for Apple

Routers, Cupertino, CA.-  April 1, 2005.  In a hastily called press conference today held outside the Apple Store #1 in Cupertino Bill Gates stunned the computer industry with the announcement that Microsoft has filed an intent of a hostile takeover of Apple Computer with the SEC.  The offer of $123.7 billion is expected to be sufficient to force Apple to agree to the takeover by the Redmond-based software giant.  Mr. Gates, who rarely does press conferences, appeared almost giddy in demeanor throughout the entire meeting with industry journalists, and was seen scribbling on a Tablet PC frequently while addressing questions from the press.  This was probably due to the Royal doodling mix-up earlier this year.

"The absorption, uh,  marriage of Apple with Microsoft is a natural fit and should be viewed as a good thing for the computer industry.  Microsoft intends to merge the two operations across the board and we hope that a couple of Apple executives will stay on during the transition period.  Microsoft intends to continue with the rollout of the next version of the Mac OS X, codenamed Tiger, but will likely change the name to Microsoft OS X 2005.

"We intend to address the complaint that Mac owners have raised for years and one of the first new products we will announce after the merger is the Microsoft OS X 2005 Tablet PC Edition, or MOX2K5TPE for short.  I  don’t know why Apple never produced one and it was a driving force behind our decision to move forward with the merger.  We will continue to sell the Apple computer line although all will be rebadged as the "Alternate Windows" product line and managed by the Portable Media Center Division."

In a brief question and answer session after the press release Mr. Gates addressed a number of issues raised by the press.  When asked if the huge cash outlay to acquire Apple would affect Microsoft’s bottom line Mr. Gates stated that they would simply stop the Microsoft "PCs at School Lunches" program for a week, which would provide the entire amount required.  The charismatic Microsoft executive also stated that he would see the iPod play Windows Media files if it was "the last thing I do".

Apple’s Steve Jobs was unavailable for comment.  Strangely, unofficial Microsoft spokesman Robert Scoble has not posted anything about this breaking story.



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