Apple announces updates to iPod Touch, MacBook Air

Apple today stunned the tech world with the announcement of two new products to augment both the iPod and the MacBook lines.  First up is the newest entry in the iPod line, the iPod Grope.  The iPod Grope is bigger than the iPod Touch with a 5 inch screen and is almost one inch thick. 

Steve Jobs made the announcement for the Grope by offering it up to the geeks who "are too clumsy and inexperienced" to operate an iPod that is thin and light and thus requiring a feather touch.  Jobs iterated that the iPod Touch is just too small and requires a too light a touch to operate using two fingers and that geeks are not able to control it properly as they lack the finesse.  Enter the iPod Grope, a one pound brick of an iPod that requires five fingers to manipulate the screen which geeks everywhere will flock to for the ease of operation that manhandling the device brings to the table.  "Geeks need an iPod that they touch like they touch women when they get a chance, and that is what the iPod Grope provides.  It’s an iPod that lets them grab things on the screen with their whole hand since they are too clumsy for anything less." said Jobs.  He went on to say "Nerds just want to grab something with their hand, not caress anything and the Grope is tailor-made for them.  The iPod Grope can also be used in conjunction with our next product we’re happy to announce today."

Apparently Apple has been reading all the commentary about theMacBook Air, especially the sentiment that "thin" and "underpowered"doesn’t cut it when the device could actually be lighter. It’s nowclear that the MacBook Air was a first-generation experiment becausetoday Apple delivered a new model to select reviewers. Yes, you’reviewing the first picture of a light, thin MacBook that’s lighter thanthe Air. Say hello to the MacBook Helium.

There’s several amazing accomplishments to highlight here. First,Apple is saving on production costs by using the original MacBook Airchassis. The key difference is on the inside. Apple has engineered theMacBook Helium to have Intel processors that typically power desktops,so no longer will performance be considered a compromise. The newMacBook Helium also uses a unique gas-cooling system that captures heatfrom the 3.0 GHz Core 2 Duo chipset and uses it to warm up ahelium-cooling-bladder. This incredible system does two things at once:it keeps the CPU and other components cooler and also causes the heliumto expand, thus making the device get lighter the longer you use it!

"We’re really excited about the new MacBook Helium as it’s lighterthan our MacBook Air. Not only that, we’ve made it lighter on yourwallet by keeping it at just $999. One price, one model. It’s thatsimple." said Steve Jobs in a video-conference.

"The most amazing part," he continued, "is the first commercial useof our patent-pending RDF technology which warps light around theMacBook Helium. It makes the shadow of this fantastic new model appearlike a Helium balloon. How about that, isn’t that great?"

I haven’t been able to benchmark the new device just yet because Ican’t get over the RDF technology that Apple described. You can see foryourself in the picture… it’s simply brilliant! My biggest fear isthat the MacBook Helium will simply fly away during use, but Applethought of that too. That new iPod Grope they just announced can betethered to the bottom of the string. At one-inch thick, the Gropeweighs just enough to keep your MacBook Helium within reach. What willthey think of next?

SLOOF LIRPA

jk & kct

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