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Summary:

The most anticipated event in the history of Apple is not until Jan. 27, but it is so important to our future that I can’t wait any longer. Sure, there will be no shortage of tech web sites that will be live-blogging the event to keep […]

The most anticipated event in the history of Apple is not until Jan. 27, but it is so important to our future that I can’t wait any longer. Sure, there will be no shortage of tech web sites that will be live-blogging the event to keep us on the edge of our seats come Wednesday, but this event is frankly too important to wait. Without waiting any longer, this is the exclusive Pre-Live Blogging of the event as it will happen. Yes, you get to experience it even before it happens…

The pitch is fevered, with the crowd as antsy as a crowd at an Apple event has ever been. The lights dim, music crescendos up a couple of notches, and STEVE IS ON STAGE!

“Thanks for joining me today for this event, the greatest event in the history of Apple.”

Applause, then complete silence as Jobs holds up something in his left hand.

“This is the greatest thing I have ever done. This is the one thing that will change your life. This is the thing that will impact every single person attending this event, and those watching it later. This is the thing that will not only change your life, it will make it better. I present to you — the OmniPad.”

Wild hysteria ensues. Steve waves the OmniPad in his hand until the crowd goes totally silent.

“The OmniPad is no thicker than a single sheet of paper. It weighs no more than that same sheet of paper. Which is why you can do this.”

The crowd goes crazy as Jobs FOLDS THE OMNIPAD IN TWO! AND THEN IN FOURTHS!

“The OmniPad is the epitome of everything I have done at Apple. It is a computer, an entertainment device, a book reader, a game machine, a window into our very lives! And it folds into your pocket when not in use. Only we could do this.”

He takes the OmniPad out of his pocket and unfolds it back into a whole sheet.

“The OmniPad has the highest resolution screen ever produced. It has terrabytes of memory to store the entire world’s information. It is connected to everything, all the time. It is easy to use, it is self updating, it corrects user errors before they create problems! It is omniscient, thus the OmniPad!

“Now you’re probably asking, how can I get one of my very own? That’s a smart question. The OmniPad is available at apple.com right now! It is available in one color, this one. It is the only device you need, the only device you will EVER NEED! And it is yours for only $2,399!”

Wild applause.

“Some of you may be thinking that this is an awfully high price, but think about it for a moment. The OmniPad replaces the entire Apple product line, and for only $2,399! That is an incredible bargain no matter how you look at it!

“Look at everything you can do with the OmniPad. It’s a full computer that can handle everything you do with one. It has multitouch, and multi-tasking! It uses our new intuitive interface that anticipates what you want to do next. And it just does it! No action on your part is required at all, thus no keyboard, no trackpad, nothing! Just think it and the OmniPad does it!

“E-books are the hot ticket right now, and the OmniPad is the greatest reader ever invented. What is more natural than reading a book on a screen like a sheet of paper? Nothing, that’s what.

“And the method for getting books is something only we could deliver. I am happy to announce the launch of ThoughtNet to go along with the OmniPad! Think of a book you want to read, and in less than two seconds it is on the OmniPad! No action on your part is required, just think it and read it! The cost is automatically deducted from your bank account with no hassles.

“ThoughtNet also works the same way for movies, or TV shows or music! Think it and it’s simply there on the OmniPad. It couldn’t be easier to buy content. This is also the greatest thing I have ever done!”

The screen is showing The Hangover playing on the OmniPad and the crowd goes crazy again.

“So you’re asking, how does the OmniPad do all of these things? Easy — iPhone OS 4.0! This new version of the iPhone OS is also the greatest thing I have ever done. It takes the greatness that is the iPhone, and makes it work better for the bigger screen! Just swipe, and things happen. Or better yet, just think them and they happen!

“I had to develop iPhone 4.0 not just for the OmniPad, but also for the NEXT GENERATION IPHONE!”

Crazy whoops and hollers in the audience.

“Now, on the surface the next generation iPhone may look just like the last version, and the one before that. But this generation iPhone is better than anything out there today. Why? Because it is an iPhone that has been untethered from the AT&T network!”

Audience is whipped into a frenzy.

“That’s right, as of today you can buy an iPhone 4G on every carrier in the world! It works on all of them, and they’ll all give you a GIANT SUBSIDY so that it only costs you $299!

“So go out today and buy an OmniPad! Your life will be better for it, and even your self-esteem will improve! Pick up an iPhone 4G too, on any network besides AT&T! All of these things are the best things I have ever done, and I am proud to share them with you. Just pay the money, and I will share them with you. Thank you!

“There will be no hands-on sessions after the event as these new products are too precious to let anyone touch them for free. You will have to pay online to get them in your own hands. You will be happy you did so. Thanks for coming!”

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  1. Sorry, but this is really stupid.

  2. Alan A. Reiter Monday, January 25, 2010

    Hi James,

    I love it. It’s the greatest thing you have ever done.

  3. Dr. Grace Augustine Monday, January 25, 2010

    It may well be the greatest thing STEVE has ever done but remember what he had to do just to get this product finished.

    He had to lift himself off his death bed, orchestrate a car crash, relocate to Tennessee, harvest the victim’s liver, reconstruct his body and report back to work in California ahead of his planned schedule. This has to be at least the SECOND GREATEST thing he had to do.

    He must be god-like for sure. Nobody else could pull this off.

    See Ya on Wednesday !

  4. Wait, Steve. You forgot to tell us that the new iPhone has not 64GB, not 128, but a whopping 1TB of storage to take our whole life with us in our pocket. Every movie, every e-book and audio book, every picture we’ve ever taken. Never, ever worry about storage again, because you’ll wirelessly move your files between your OmniPad and your iPhone in less time than it takes to blink.

    And, finally, both the iPhone and the OminiPad will come with native Microsoft Office onboard, just because that’s the one thing you have never been able to replace.

    Now THAT’S the greatest thing Steve could ever do!

  5. James,
    You moved me to break my silence. I had to write to say I really liked this piece.

    Thursday last week you finally got to number “ONE” in my extensive Google Reader feedlist. All you did with this article was reinforce that position.

    Had to be said.

    1. Wow, it’s lonely at the top. :) Thanks!

  6. Nice piece…

    Although I have a different scenario buzzing around my head, one where Jobs introduces to the crowd an ‘all new Touch edition’ now available in different anodized aluminum colors AND… wait for it… a camera!

    Can’t you picture the frenzy of emotion that will bring?

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