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Summary:

I got several good laughs out of Tsahi Levent-Levi’s speculative post “What If Microsoft Developed Twitter?” In it, he conjures up a Redmond-enhanced version of the microblogging platform that would look and work a little, er, differently from the one we’re using now. “You would have […]

I got several good laughs out of Tsahi Levent-Levi’s speculative post “What If Microsoft Developed Twitter?” In it, he conjures up a Redmond-enhanced version of the microblogging platform that would look and work a little, er, differently from the one we’re using now. “You would have to sign a EULA for each tweet you send out,” he imagines. “You would have to reset your Twitter client every day,” he adds, and “you would have to get used to the blue tweet of death.” Here are four more attributes that we might expect from a Microsoft version of Twitter.

An unabridged eBook version of “War and Peace” would pop up as you load the  necessary software libraries and security patches in preparation for your first tweet of the day:

You would have the terms “Cancer” and “Hippie GPL Rubbish” emblazoned as watermarks on any tweet you send out on the topic of open source software:

As daily software updates arrived, you would have two, and only two options: “Install” and “Remind Me Later:”

Any attempts to use words such as “bang” or “bong” in tweets would be replaced with Bing:

What other enhancements would Microsoft’s version of Twitter have?

  1. After every software update of twitter you would be required to learn new commands for how to tweet, @reply, etc.

    It would only work in IE 6!

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  2. @Rob H–haha, and a little lightning bolts and lightbulbs would pop up to alert you to the new commands.

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  3. The Fail Whale would have Bill Gates face and every time you mistyped something, you’d have to wait for Clippy to load and babysit you through it :).

    Vern

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  4. and whenever you use some offensive words (say porno related) it will pop up a vista like dialogue for administrative preveliges ;)

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  5. May-be you’ll get a Black screen of death. :) or some kind of wimp feature with email, ftp, editor, compiler, etc.

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  6. This sounds like the Microsoft of about ten years ago.

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  7. There would be 11 different versions of Twitter, none of which are compatible with the other, all having different hardware requirements, and a simple Re-tweet would require everyone you are following have their seat license paid for and up to date.

    Twitter Home Basic ( only lets you follow three people, no re-tweets )
    Twitter Home with Plus Pack ( lets you follow up to 99 people, no re-tweets )
    Twitter Professional ( Follow up to 999 people, re-tweet only those who are also using Professional )
    Twitter Ultimate ( Follow 9,999 people, re-tweet those with lesser versions. URLs count against 140 )
    Twitter Ultimate Plus Pack Platinum ( Unlimited following, dedicated Intel hardware required )
    Twitter Enterprise 2009 ( Packet sniffing of tweets, closed loop IP address only )
    Twitter Enterprise 2010 ( No upgrade path from 2009 version. Requires re-negotiation of seat licensing )

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  8. As usual Gigaom flails on Microsoft without thinking.

    You already have to reset clients like TweetDeck and Twirl once a day or they slowly eat your machine resources alive. I haven’t seen ONE blue tweet of death on any win7 machine I own and the vista machine Bluescreens were very rare. FailWhale on the other hand happens every other day. If you don’t use a client the web interface is down frequently.

    Currently if twitter rolls out a new version you get it whether you want it or not. At least your MS vision would allow you to choose.

    Perhaps if you actually used Bing you might not be so condescending towards it. Just a thought.

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    1. Lee

      Go get a sense of humor. Seriously dude or has lobbying for deployment of Verizon Fiber in Rochester made you too jaded. I know you are fighting the good fight. We want you to succeed in your efforts.. In the interim, laugh a little and enjoy the joke

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  9. @Lee — “There would be 11 different versions of Twitter.” LOL!

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  10. Here is how it could look:

    http://yfrog.com/75twittermsj

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