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Summary:

I’ve heard it said that a lot of relationships don’t survive grad school because it can be so intense. I imagine the same could be said for startups and other major projects. There’s been a lot written about startup challenges, but I haven’t seen much discussion […]

I’ve heard it said that a lot of relationships don’t survive grad school because it can be so intense. I imagine the same could be said for startups and other major projects. There’s been a lot written about startup challenges, but I haven’t seen much discussion about what a startup, or any large-scale, long-term project can do to your relationship when you’re self-employed.

Like many of you, I’m sure, I have my own projects and I’ve also been involved with major projects for outside clients. The scope and demands of startup projects change constantly and drastically. This can be true of big projects for clients as well, although one benefit is that your emotional investment is generally not as extreme. On the other hand, they can be worse because you have no control. You’re at the mercy of scope creep and your clients’ fluctuating priorities, specifications, and budget.

Whether you’re consumed by your own or somebody else’s mega-project, you can find yourself neglecting little details of your life like, for example, everything but your project. You can also occasionally be quite a basket case. Or maybe that’s just me.

It’s important not to underestimate what all of this can do to your partner. If your partner is an independent worker, he or she is more likely to be somewhat understanding. If not, you need to be particularly mindful of the effects your immersion in such a project can have on him or her.

If your partner is in a position to help you with your project, you’re fortunate. But you also have to realize you’re on shaky ground. This is my situation. My husband’s help has been invaluable to me with my latest personal project and I’ve sometimes relied on him heavily. He’s been my one-man tech and design team. He’s introduced me to people who have been instrumental in getting my project going. He’s been a sounding board and a shoulder.

But this is not his baby. He has his own ongoing professional, entrepreneurial and creative projects and, even though he’s been involved with several aspects of my project, he has, out of preference or necessity, not assimilated every last detail of it. He simply can’t devote the kind of time and energy to it that I do, and I have to respect that.

After a recent misunderstanding, I became aware that I’ve been expecting way too much of him and that my assumptions about his level of involvement were out of line. I realized that I needed to monitor and voice my assumptions and stop taking his participation in my project for granted. We needed to define what he was and wasn’t able or willing to do for me. Naturally, you feel some disappointment when your partner can’t or won’t embrace your project with as much zeal as you do, but it’s probably a good thing for one of you to stay grounded in reality.

The moral of the story is that if you’re an entrepreneur or you’re working on a major project, it is essential to keep your partner on the same page you’re on. Communicate from the very start. Make sure your partner knows how long you’ll be working on the project, how much time and energy you expect to spend on it, how important it is to you, how stressful it might be, and how much you’ll need his or her support in concrete and less concrete ways. Define your expectations for each other in terms of the project and in terms of who takes out the trash.

And keep communicating. When things change, which they do constantly, update your partner and have that initial conversation all over again. If you do this right, your partner will understand that he or she is contributing to something important rather than simply being taken for granted or ignored.

One last word of advice. Don’t forget to put the project away completely from time to time and show your appreciation for the person whose support and love make it possible for you to do your thing.

  1. Don Nalezyty Wednesday, May 7, 2008

    Great post.

    I think this is true even in the corporate world.

    There’s always that one big project that everyone is excited about and has lots of attention. It’s inevitable that excitement and attention lead to big expectations and for those of us that telework full-time that often translates to an expectation we’ll put in the extra hours.

    Even though my wife is in an entirely different field those extra hours impact her and I rely on her support to finish those projects successfully.

    I think you are right on with the key being communication. Regular updates and frequent setting of expectations and roles around the house keep things smooth.

    Your final comment also highlights a crucial piece of the work-life balance for teleworkers. Like the communication piece, I’ve neglected this at times in the past and the results are always bad. Luckily, my wife is so extraordinary that we always manage to sort it out and I realize how I’ve failed to uphold my end of the bargain.

    Thanks for the reminder!

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  2. I, myself, have been in the same position…of being obsessed and stressed with the business to the point I was sure fire was coming out of my ears at times. For my husband and me, the best thing we did was have “date” nights just like when the kids were young. Those few hours together away from e-mails and the phone were like recess from school. I’d advise anyone going through the same thing not to add more stress to your life by making elaborate plans. Just taking the time away to sit down and talk about anything but business is really important.
    Anita Bruzzese

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  3. [...] have certainly been guilty of that, and as such it was great to read Web Worker Daily’s post on the same subject. First of all because I’m not alone, second of all because there are actually things you can [...]

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  4. Your comments all made me think of this comic strip: http://geeksinlove.free.fr/?p=55.

    Not only is it good for our partners when we make ourselves step away from The Project, it’s good for us too!

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  5. What if you could recapture your ex lovers mind, heart and soul?…Wipe the slate clean? Turn back time? Even if you feel right now that your situation is too far gone…too screwed up …or just plain too darn complicated?

    You already know how hard it is to just even wake up and roll out of bed in the morning. You leave your radio off on your way to work because every song is a painful reminder of him. You can’t even bear to eat at the same restaurants you took her to. And if that isn’t bad enough, you have to cope with the loss of friends and family that are on “their side”.

    Did you know that most relationships can be salvaged? You may find it difficult to believe that almost every break up for whatever reason…infidelity, plain old lost passion, loss of interest, a stolen heart and worse…even the worst situations you can imagine…like men serving prison sentences have salvaged their relationships. Yes, even Ex-cons have got back together with girlfriends and wives after being away for years!

    I have a blog that has more information on some of what I’ve been writing about on relationships. If you feel like checking it out, you can find it here: http://winningyouback.blogspot.com It’s entitled “The Magic of Making Up – 10 Tips to a Happy Relationship.”

    I hope you read my blog, it can improve on and possibly save your relationship.

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